The importance of identity
Another essay I wrote years ago. And did I sound fierce.. whoa!
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For years and years, I denied that I was deaf.
Oh no, I wasn’t deaf.
How could I be anything else when everyone else around me isn’t deaf? I blamed not being able to hear on my not trying hard enough (perverse though this may sound), and this was reinforced by teachers who assumed that I wasn’t paying attention rather than me being unable to catch their speech. (And so much for the doctor’s letter certifying my hearing loss.) I got into trouble many times cos of this–at school, during NS and even at home.
It’s easy to talk about ‘integration’ and ’standing up for yourself’ and ’self-esteem’ and ‘being responsible and proactive for oneself’. Those are all true and valid. And I have attempted to do so, ever since I was old and mature enough to.
Though I’ll really like to see those who advocate deaf children doing that explain exactly how it is to be done, surrounded as these kids are by hearing people who has no understanding of their condition.
I say it’s ‘easy’ cos it’s usually said by those in positions of privilege sitting comfortably in their cushy armchairs, those who never ever had to undergo all that rubbish, who has no real idea of what it entails, who doesn’t have to spend his entire childhood, teenage years and early adulthood–every single day of 20 long years–experiencing life in a goldfish bowl, forced to be cut off from normal human interaction, able to see what’s happening around him but unable to make sense of the sounds and unable to understand what’s happening.
Despite it all, I survived, as did many others. Wheras those sprouting such patronising advice never had such an experience in the first place.
So pardon us if we appear disdainful of such seemingly sensible and reasonable words–it’s just like how a battle-hardened sergeant naturally finds it difficult to respect a newly-minted officer who has never seen combat but thinks nothing of ordering the soldier around.
Your post made me think of a similar situation that has come up for me a few times over the years:
What annoys me are hearing people who think they know best how I should regulate my visual attention.
For example, suppose they’re explaining something to me and then they point at something that they want me to look at. Often what THEY think should happen is that I should immediately look at whatever it is (a building across the street, or something specific on a page of text) and then look back at them. But sometimes they don’t even think to give me the context first so I know exactly what I’m supposed to be looking at, or for (that entire building over there, or just a specific sign in the window?) so I keep looking at them and ask them to explain first THEN I’ll look. But they’ll insist that it would be better for me to look first. But I’ve done that in the past and often, if I don’t have the context, I just get more confused and still have to look back at the person for the explaination then, once I finally understand what I’m supposed to paying attention to, THEN I look back at the object and it will finally make sense. Hearing people forget that, when they talk with a hearing person, they can start explaining while the person is still turning their head (or shifting their eye gaze) to look at the object — so they may get out a whole half sentence of context before the person even locks eyes on the object. Then they can continue giving contextual information while the hearing person looks. And that’s why it works with a HEARING person for the HEARING person to look at an object at a certain point of time in the flow of conversation. But a DEAF person will not receive that synchronized input, so the flow of information must be adapted to compenstate. When you know that the input will be sequential (they receive information from you, and they receive information from whatever they’re looking at, but never simultaneously) and not synchronized (they receive information from both sources at the same time) then the flow of information giving MUST be adapated — some of the information that you would ordinarily give in synchronized fashion (while the person is looking) must be given BEFOREhand or else they won’t even know what to pay attention to.
But when I try to explain all this, some hearing people still insist they know best exactly when I should be looking, and still try to insist that I look exactly when THEY want me to look. They just won’t accept that I have 37 years of experience figuring out how to regulate my visual attention, and quite frankly, know better than they do. That doesn’t mean that I’m necessarily going to make exactly the right call every time–no one ever does, I’m sure. But it DOES mean that I have a much much better chance of making that deterimination than someone who has just never lived in my shoes. So if I say that THEY are the ones who need to adapt THEIR style of presenting information to accommodate my needs, then I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to simply do that instead of arguing about it.
*sigh* Wet-behind-the-ears officers vs battle-hardened sargeant.
Thanks for raising this issue.
Comment by Andrea — January 13, 2007 @ 3:19 am
You wrote: Though I’ll really like to see those who advocate deaf children doing that explain exactly how it is to be done, surrounded as these kids are by hearing people who has no understanding of their condition.
I’m one of those “advocates” but I always add that communication is a two-way street. It’s one thing to advocate for your needs, but the other party also has to do their part to make communication accessible.
Comment by Karen — January 13, 2007 @ 3:39 am
Oh, god, Andrea — yes, exactly! I have had that so many times! “Look here!” “Right, I’ll do that after you finish talking, thankyouverymuch.” And one sure fire way to set me off — and normally I am very laid back — is to accuse me of not paying attention when I don’t pick up on something. *Kerplooie* When almost every minute of my daily life and interaction with others involves intensive attention, saying that just puts me into orbit.
Bah.
Comment by BEG — January 13, 2007 @ 4:04 am
tell me about it!! It’s amazing how we internalize this belief that each time we miss something it is a personal failing that shouldn’t have happened if we only tried harder or explained ourselves better.
Comment by Sarah — January 14, 2007 @ 11:01 am
Thanks for all the comments, folks. :)
I guess these things and situations, and human nature as well, cut across nationality and ethnicity and such. This news blog was set up more for my local community - I am (Chinese) Singaporean - but most of the comments have come from Americans (I guess!), especially from the DeafRead community. Thanks for taking the effort to chime in here, and for those with blogs, yeah, I’ve been too lazy to comment directly on your sites. Instead, I’ve tended to just link and comment on your essays/blog posts on my site here and link them. Apologies!
Andrea: Thanks for chipping in such a long, detailed anecdote. Hey, it’s good enough for a blog post of your own! :) I would say that some hearing people make such dumb requests of us because they Simply. Do. Not. Understand. This is a major reason. Of course, we could argue that they should employ more common sense and take the time to think about our needs (and feelings!) but the harsh reality is people tend to see the world only from their own experience and on their own terms. (Say, how many of us truly know and understand what the needs, feelings of the blind are?)
Karen: Actually, I was referring to hearing adults who know too little or not enough of deaf children’s needs, yet have the power to dictate things for them. Or they are simply ignorant.
In primary school - I think the equivalent of your junior school? - I was to sit in the first row in class, but I still often missed out on what the teacher said, because s/he will talk about when speaking, face the blackboard when speaking, face away from me when speaking or speak too softly. I caught almost nothing for most lessons. Sigh!
Oh, just to say too, your blog about your deaf life and family has been most inspring!
Sarah: Your blog posts were the spur and catalyst for me to put up more personal essays here, for which I owe you a debt. Thank you. :) I guess we love to beat ourselves up for things which aren’t our fault. Talk about sadist. Ouch! :P
Comment by Dictatorial Editor — January 14, 2007 @ 11:34 am